i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
