you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
