when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
