I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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