i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
