I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
