I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
