I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
