I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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