Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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