I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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