How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
