So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
