3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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