Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize