My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
