I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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