I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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