I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
