I can feel you judging me through the phone.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
