this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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