Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
