my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
