Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
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And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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