my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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