So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The feeling are messing with the penis
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
