he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
