I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You are the jesus of drinking
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
