I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
