Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
