i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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