When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
