im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
