So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
