you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
