You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
