Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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