wanna go halves on a baby?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
