piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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