who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
