Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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