none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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