I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
