So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
