listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
