Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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