this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
