Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Someone shit on the floor
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
