so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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