I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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