I have demons in me.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
