Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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