My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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