I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
