listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
