I wish my penis had an off switch
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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