I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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