Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
