I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
