When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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